Smut University—Laughter & Lemons by @undercover_mofo and @BellaDCullen

Laughter & Lemons by FictionFreak95 and BellaDonnaCullen

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Homework

You’re all writers, right? Now it’s your turn. Take a smut scene that you’ve written in the past and turn it funny. Add a gasp and a rasp and a rogue finger, and make it a little more real.

Please submit the old & the new, funnier smut scene.

Read the homework submissions


We could write a snazzy introduction, but after some careful consideration, I think picking this up in the middle of our conversation is a bit more . . . genuine, maybe? Anyway, hope you enjoy this banter between a couple of nutters that like laughing and like lemons, oh, and like Twific too . . .

Posted Image FF95: Sex with corpses?

Posted Image BDC: That one’s easy . . . not funny.

Posted Image FF95: LOL

Posted Image BDC: Next! Hate-driven flirting. FUNNY.

Posted Image FF95: I’m tryin’.

Posted Image BDC: So, we’ve covered necrophilia and flirting with the enemy.

Posted Image FF95: I think we should start it out with something like we’re in the middle of a funny lemon.

“Bella?”

“Yes, Edward?” I breathed.

“I think your –”

“What, Edward?” I panted. He wasn’t even inside and I was so damn close.

“Bella?” he asked again, more desperate this time. I knew how he felt. I was so desperate, so needy. Just hearing him say my name like that . . .

“Bella, I think, I–I think–”

“Oh yes, Edward,” I gasped, moving against him.

“Oh Jesus!” he screamed.

“YES!” I shouted.

“Bella!” He grabbed my hips and held them still. “Your clit ring is giving my dick a fucking bruise. God, stop moving for a second.”

Posted Image BDC: Excuse me while I put on my glasses and heels and find that pointer.

Posted Image FF95: (Jo twists her nipples a little) I think more Bellas should twist their nipples randomly.

Posted Image BDC: I think more Edwards should . . . no, Edwards always have everything covered. Maybe Edwards should start forgetting things.

Posted Image FF95: Maybe we can talk about how to come up with a funny situation . . . like maybe there’s an awkward Edward who isn’t getting Bella off the way she likes it.

Posted Image BDC: It’s endearing and human and funny.

Posted Image FF95: The things I find funniest about sex are the thoughts running through Edward’s head when he’s supposed to be cool, calm and collected, but maybe in his head, Bella is making him fall apart at the seams.

Posted Image BDC: You do an amazing job of that . . . that’s one of the reasons why people love the Dick, I think.

Posted Image FF95: It’s funny that people like it. It always feels like . . . I dunno, like I’m so “green” compared to other authors.

Posted Image BDC: You, my dear, are the opposite of green. Red? (Looks for a color wheel)

Posted Image FF95: “Seasoned” ironically is the word. It has nothing to do with color, which I will never understand.

“Edward, wait, wait,” she says, pushing his hands away from her tits.

“Are those . . . tissues in your bra?” Edward asks with a chuckle.

“Uh, they’re called cutlets,” Bella admits, holding her hands over her breasts protectively.

“You mean like . . . chicken?” Edward asks. “Cause . . . ew,” he thinks to himself.

“No! Just, uh, so I could, like, fit into this dress.” Bella rights her dress over her cutlet-enhanced cleavage.

“I thought the whole point of this night was to get you OUT of that dress, Bella . . . I’m confused.”

“You’re over-thinking things, Edward. Forget the cutlets. Forget the chicken. All that’s important is that I’m here with you.” Bella slips her hand up Edward’s inner thigh and gasps when she feels a little more than she bargained for when she gets to his crotch.

“Edward?” she asks.

“Oh, Bella,” he gasps, pulling her in for a kiss and going for her boobs again, despite his new cutlet knowledge.

Bella tries to figure out what’s going on in Edward’s pants, but it’s not making any sense. Unless . . .

“Edward, are those socks?” she asks with a squeeze.

Edward places his hand over hers. “Um. . . no . . . not exactly.”

“Not exactly? What’s that supposed to mean? Let me see!” She paws at his crotch, and Edward bats her hand away.

“Bella, really . . . stop it.”

“I showed you my cutlets. Show me yours,” Bella giggles, not opposed to a little wrestling as foreplay. Edward finally pins her hands to her side.

“I was just . . . I have this web show, see,” he begins to explain.

“A web show?” she asks, laughing.

“Um . . .” Edward lets go of her hands and looks away nervously.

“Like . . . porn?” she gasps. “Oh my god, you’re in porn!”

“Not exactly?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asks, bringing her hands to her hips. There are some lines she won’t cross, and Internet porn stars are on the list.

“It’s more like . . . a show about . . . a super cock,” Edward mumbles.

“What?”

“The Adventures of Super Cock, to be exact. It gets, like, a thousand hits a day on Youtube . . .” Edward smiles hopefully, and readjusts his . . . super cock.

“What? An on-line show thingy . . . about your penis? Your super penis?” Bella asks.

“It kinda started out as this joke, but . . . I mean, people like him. He’s practically famous.”

“He?” Bella asks, nodding to Edward’s pants.

“He talks and everything. See, I do this Claymation type thing with the camera . . .”

“Okay, stop right there,” Bella interrupts. “Penises do not talk, Edward.”

“Oh Bella, but he does.”

“This is crazy. I had no idea what I was getting into bed with. Crazy fucking super cock,” she mumbles as she searches for her purse.

“You wanna see?” he asks, grabbing her wrist.

Bella narrows her eyes. You can tell she’s conflicted. Edward moves his hips a little. He waggles his eyebrows, unzips his jeans a little, so Bella can only see the tip of the red cape peeking out, tempting her with a chance to see a real life genital superhero.

With one glance at the red cape, Bella’s like a bull: she can’t look away. Her eyelids flutter.

“Okay,” she breathes.

Posted Image FF95: I cannot stop laughing right now.

Posted Image BDC: While this has super-potential, perhaps we should stop now. Maybe this is a teachable moment?

Posted Image FF95: Don’t let the fact that you’re writing a lemon stop you from fantasizing about the real life disasters that could happen during those lemons.

Posted Image BDC: Exactly, not all sex is perfect. It’s easier to write lemons when it doesn’t have to be perfect, and when it’s not perfect, it’s funny.

I don’t know if I’ve ever set out to write a funny lemon. When I start writing, if I’m thinking, “This has to be funny,” well, it just doesn’t work. For me, a lot of times, it’s when I write about the stuff that actually happens when two people are trying to act so suave, that’s when it becomes funny.

I have to find the nerve to let the characters be imperfect when they’re getting it on. Then I loosen up, because the pressure’s gone. Edward doesn’t have to make Bella cum five times. He doesn’t have to find her G-spot with one hand tied behind his back. Jasper doesn’t have to intuitively know everything Alice feels as she’s reaching climax . . . Who am I kidding? I don’t write about Alice and Jasper . . .

Let’s face it, sex and the games people play can be ridiculous.

Posted Image FF95: I forget the very first time I attempted to write some funny into a sex scene. I don’t even know if I did it on purpose I just remember being inside the characters head and thinking . . . okay, this guy is not Rico Suave . . . what would happen here . . .? It seems to take a lot of pressure off of getting it “just right” though . . . thus, ironically making it . . . perfect. Because in real life, who’s actually getting their clit slapped and going, “Man, that felt . . . GREAT!”

Right?

Anyway, the entire scene doesn’t even have to be hilarious; it’s just a matter of taking something that could be disastrous . . . and making it work for you.

Posted Image BDC: Exactly. When I wrote about Adorable in Rubbish, once they finally got it on and had sex all night, all of my readers (and Adorable) were pretty sure he’d been just fabulous in bed. Turns out he couldn’t make her cum at all. So he did what anyone would probably do: he Googled how to make a girl cum . . . and for the rest of the story he got all of his sex advice from an Internet search engine.

Maybe that was funnier in context.

Anyway . . . I didn’t set out to make a running Google joke, but it just happened.

One of my favorite funny scenes that you wrote was in Dick for Hire. I’m pretty sure it was the first time The Swan and The Dick had sex. They’re getting it on, on the kitchen table, and it’s all uncomfortable, and then Edward kind of staggers into the living room with her still, ahem, attached. I was dying, because really, I’ve read about so many Edwards picking Bella up, impaling her on his enormous cock, and just going at it standing up like he’s part weight lifter, part acrobat. It was awesome to finally read how awkward that position can be.

Maybe it’s just me.

Moving on . . .

Posted Image FF95: ADORABLE!

He killed me with his mad Googling skills to get sex advice! I thought that was one of the best ways to portray a real guy who’s just been told he didn’t make his girl cum.

Seriously. Who wouldn’t do that?

The Dick is nothing if not blunt. He feels no need to try and cover up his dick pain in order to suffer for looking “cool” . . . LOL! Poor Eddy Jr.

What can we learn from these instances you ask? I firmly believe, if more people learned to laugh during sex, there would be a lot more people having sex. When you take it too seriously, just like everything else . . . it gets a little too hard to live up to anyone’s expectations . . . especially your own.

Was that too real?

Posted Image BDC: Too real? I don’t know. Just solid, sound advice. You’re very wise, Jo.

The more we talk, the more I think that writing about sex and having sex are kind of similar. When people take sex too seriously, it’s so hard to live up to expectations, and maybe (in your analysis) less people have sex.

I think that the same goes for writing about lemons. Writers take those sex scenes so seriously, and they worry about living up to their readers’ expectations, so maybe (in my analysis) fewer writers take the plunge and write those scenes. Or, at least, they agonize over them.

Laughter + Lemons = More lemons for everyone?

Maybe.

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