Smut University – Self Pleasure

Written by Lulu M

Writing Exercise

I found this topic quite hard to research on, just with it being just as hard to write about. Though flicking the bean or flogging the frog can be just as sexy as actually inserting point A into point B, you don’t often see that many scenes depicting masturbation out there. Where most of us may be knocking our own rocks to get off, there can be an undertone of “this could be better if I had someone to do it with me.”

Often is a thought that one needs a partner to reach ultimate sexual gratification. For those who have been single for more than six months and have had nothing but a Pink Elephant for fulfillment, I would think that really blows, and not in a good way. How long can one go before absolutely needing that moment where you lie in bed after a particularly amazing nasty dance just breathing and thinking, “That was just effin awesome.”

Pink Elephants have not been known to inspire someone to sprout off singing, “I can’t get no satisfaction.”

My point being, I suppose, that sexy times can occur with just one person. Now how to write that down? I can’t tell you the different sayings I typed into Google for a bit of research.

how to write self pleasure

how to write masturbation

techniques to writing masturbation

how to spank the monkey


Can you imagine the multitude of results I got? There were approximately 619,000 results with the first being “Self Pleasure for Men.” I am inadequate at blog searching, and I had no luck in finding writing articles of this topic. But I did have a plethora of how to self pleasure myself. One can only look at titles such as “Self Pleasuring Tips for Women” and “Self Pleasure for Beginners” for so long before curiosity takes over and you just have to check it out.

And it was within those sites that I found my inspiration…Stop right there you pervs. I didn’t head down to my bedroom and whip out the ol’ Pink Elephant. Get your minds out of the gutter! No, I found inspiration to write this lesson. What better way to learn how to write self pleasure with to read how to self pleasure.

There can be more to writing self pleasure than just “I stroked up and down” or “I circled my clit with my fingers.” Think about what you do when you wonk the conker. And don’t tell me none of you have ever yanked the crank. That’s like saying you’ve never bathed or ate chocolate or something as equally blasphemous.

On one of the sites that was the first paragraph, “As is often said, your mind is the most erotic of all organs. Men are said to be visual creatures who get excited at the sight of a pair of limbs, bare skin, or whatever it is that they consider sexy. Women, on the other hand, are said to need creative stimulation for sexual arousal. Thus, following this argument, I would say that indulging in sexual fantasies is one of the soundest self-pleasure tips for women.”

We all know the technique behind reaching that Unicorn, and where that might be important to mention in a self pleasuring scene as we know one cannot get off by just lying there, you can spruce up the scene by adding in fantasies. Who know’s what that fantasy is. Maybe Bella has been lusting over Edward for the past few months and just needs to do the finger dance down there before she spontaneously combusts. Or maybe Edward has just had a boner all day and needs to paint the pickle to relieve himself and dives head first into fantasies of…diving head first without any sort of “foreplay.”

We are all visual people and sometimes throwing in a porno in there or looking at naughty pictures or *ahem* reading dirty stories puts us in the mood. So how does your character get into the mood to toss the turkey? I suppose this lies behind the scenes with Setting Up Your Atmosphere. As with any sexual act you can’t just dip the stick without any prepping. You’ve gotta prep your character and in turn your readers.

Back to techniques. There were a bunch of tips on how to masturbate that characters could do as well. Some of the more stranger ones being slap some Vaseline into a ziplock bag, stick it around the weenie and then pretend the space between your mattress and boxspring is a vagina. But hey, I’m not a guy, so maybe that does the trick.

In my experience with research on this topic, I’ve decided that male masturbation just sounds so much more fun to write about. Women get the titles “Rubbing your G-spot” or “Massaging the Clit.” Guys get “Five Fingers of Fun” and “Backhand the Sucker.” How is that fair? Hee. JK…

These are the sites I found incredibly helpful with writing this lesson:


And where I got all my awesome masturbation terms:

Urban Dictionary – you saw that coming didn’t you? Hahaha…coming…


I do have to say a big thank you to McGee42 for listening to my idle chatter while writing and to my roomie who I forced to listen to this. And now go do as my radio is saying, “Take me down to paradise city.”

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